Bad Places
This is one of them, the worst I would say:
"I do believe this year will be worse than the last one. Never get your hopes up that it will be great.
Because I know I won't be able to handle all these things that are going through my mind, I can't even handle them right now.
I'm not loveable, which I figured out a long time ago.
I'm not good for myself, so then how could I be good for someone else? I'm just thinking logically.
So I can't get someone to fall in love with me, I would just end up fucking that person up.
I really do hate being in love, and I hate myself when I am.
So yes, I do hate myself at this very moment. I also hate Spain more than ever right now.
The 'good' thing is that I know (more like hope) that he likes you. It is pretty obvious, or else I am blind as a deer in headlights.
At some point I was actually jealous of you, but you have known him for a much longer time than I have so it's great really. I'm almost happy it isn't me. A bitter-miserable-happiness though but, hey, it got happiness in it, so who cares!?
I know slitting my wrists isn't the right thing to do, but I really do deserve it, so I can't stop it. One new years resolution I knew I could never keep. Yes, it was the 'bad thing' thingy. Even though i knew no one would actually figure it out.
It actually feels good to write all of this off my chest. And knowing no one but me can read this, so people don't have to think I'm scary or something, or feel sorry for me. That crap I don't need. That is why I never tell anybody how I ever really feel. Then they can't care. So I can give myself what I deserve in peace.
But now I can't. Not since I've been working together with my mom. But she doesn't really care anyways, she just snarls at me and tells me that I should stop, always in an angry voice. Petite, makes me do it even more. If she's angry, then I really do deserve it."
And I never published any of these because I didn't want the attention, I just kept on living inside that horrible shell! I felt horrible! But seeing this now makes me realize that I am in an awesome place right now. I am feeling good about myself, my problems are petty and I get out of them quickly. Hell my biggest problem right now is that I have a fucking cold and have to work.
I hated myself back then. I ... well, I don't love myself, I LIKE myself. It's a big step from hatred honestly. And wtf was this thing with me hating Spain? It's from January 1 2009. Can't remember really... Couldn't find the source for it either.. Weird...
Anyways, I can say I am really happy compared to that. I was a total fuck up. Of course I had anorexia and cut myself.
And reading what my mom did... was she actually stupid? She didn't even try and help me... even a little bit. She just got really pissed off... which (as you can tell) just made me do it more. I don't understand it......... she could've prevented some of these scars.
But lets not dwell on the past!
