Who we are

Wow, so I just checked my notes on facebook that are drafts from 2009 and damn shit was I depressed. I knew I was but damn. I've been in a bad place.

This is one of them, the worst I would say:

"I do believe this year will be worse than the last one. Never get your hopes up that it will be great.

Because I know I won't be able to handle all these things that are going through my mind, I can't even handle them right now.

I'm not loveable, which I figured out a long time ago.

I'm not good for myself, so then how could I be good for someone else? I'm just thinking logically.

So I can't get someone to fall in love with me, I would just end up fucking that person up.

I really do hate being in love, and I hate myself when I am.

So yes, I do hate myself at this very moment. I also hate Spain more than ever right now.

The 'good' thing is that I know (more like hope) that he likes you. It is pretty obvious, or else I am blind as a deer in headlights.

At some point I was actually jealous of you, but you have known him for a much longer time than I have so it's great really. I'm almost happy it isn't me. A bitter-miserable-happiness though but, hey, it got happiness in it, so who cares!?

I know slitting my wrists isn't the right thing to do, but I really do deserve it, so I can't stop it. One new years resolution I knew I could never keep. Yes, it was the 'bad thing' thingy. Even though i knew no one would actually figure it out.

It actually feels good to write all of this off my chest. And knowing no one but me can read this, so people don't have to think I'm scary or something, or feel sorry for me. That crap I don't need. That is why I never tell anybody how I ever really feel. Then they can't care. So I can give myself what I deserve in peace.

But now I can't. Not since I've been working together with my mom. But she doesn't really care anyways, she just snarls at me and tells me that I should stop, always in an angry voice. Petite, makes me do it even more. If she's angry, then I really do deserve it."

 

And I never published any of these because I didn't want the attention, I just kept on living inside that horrible shell! I felt horrible! But seeing this now makes me realize that I am in an awesome place right now. I am feeling good about myself, my problems are petty and I get out of them quickly. Hell my biggest problem right now is that I have a fucking cold and have to work.

I hated myself back then. I ... well, I don't love myself, I LIKE myself. It's a big step from hatred honestly. And wtf was this thing with me hating Spain? It's from January 1 2009. Can't remember really... Couldn't find the source for it either.. Weird...

Anyways, I can say I am really happy compared to that. I was a total fuck up. Of course I had anorexia and cut myself.

And reading what my mom did... was she actually stupid? She didn't even try and help me... even a little bit. She just got really pissed off... which (as you can tell) just made me do it more. I don't understand it......... she could've prevented some of these scars.

But lets not dwell on the past!

The next 12 days will be horrible. Working for all those days and I'm sick but hopefully I'll get the time to check out my friends new puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She sent me a pic of it sleeping and it is just adorable!
Cutest lil thing ever! I'm squealing just thinking about it!
But I think it won't happen until I'm done working all those days, cuz I will be dead as shit after each shift. This Tuesday will be extra gruesome. Have to go to the office to fill up, BUT I think I'll take it on Monday instead depending on how long my first store is taking (only have one on Mondays). And next week there's campaigns at some stores which SUCKS! Which means I have to take an extra store on Friday! FUCK. MY. FUCKING. LIFE! (think I'll send my brother on that though hehe)
And also, I'm counting down the days 'til I turn 20. 255 days left. I. Am. Excited.
Like really really!! Will be buying some Jack Dagnells and Patron bitch! And a bunch of other liquors!!!!!!!!!!!
yeaaaaaaah!

Big plans man, big fucking plans!
And what's on my wish list is:
*Money for eye laser shit, cuz my eyes are shit man, can't see! And it costs roughly 10k per eye!
*Action figures!!!!!!!!!!! Like Freddy Krueger, The Joker (Dark Knight yeah!), Harley Quinn (Arkham asylum <3) and Beetlejuice!

Yeah, and that's it kinda...

The first thing I want to do when I move out is make me some goddamn Jack Daniel's pancakes bitch! With chocolate chips!
Yeah
I'm currently sipping on that Capt. Morgan and coke! untz! Delish bitch!
I'm still sick but I'm feeling fly as shit! Wearing my purple LMFAO frames and watching some LMFAO vids.
Living la vida loca hahahahaha
I've also had a little bit of champagne ... or more like sparkly wine cause champagne be expensive bitch.
Having champagne when I graduate, it is going to be so Fucking sweet!
Shake, shake, shake that bottle and make it POP! Champagne showers baby!
Imma get back to doing what I do best: Laugh!

laterz peeps!

I have so many ideas right now! BUT I can't go through with them until I'm 20 since my parents keep on haitin' on me for asking them to buy icky liquors from the liquor store.
Silly really, since all I want to use them for is foods.
I've really gotten into this whole thing with testing my way through food. New passion. Not really, it's always been there but now it's really been awakened.
But first things first, I want to try and soak fruits and berries in different liquors and then go on from there to see how they blend.
Then add seasoning.
Then I can get it all in different treats and hopefully make new desserts that I will be able to market when I get to that age.
But right now, I have to keep on planning.
I am really excited.
My future is a little clearer really....

I've already found some liquors I want to try out for this too. They all have a define taste that I need particularly.

Been watching way too much Epic Meal Time brah!
Also I'm tipsy after one shot of whiskey, because I'm hungry as shit watching them videos. I'm sick dawg! Alright, I'm allowed to drink whiskey on a Thursday night BITCH!
Also, thank fucking god for spell check, or I'd be screwed right now haha! (so many spelling errors...)
So stop haitin' you hater! Imma go wash my fucking face and then go to bed! I'm watching fucking Harry Potter on Sunday! and I'm working tomorrow which means I'll be bringing home that gay bacon! FOR HALF THE PRICE BITCH!
And also some chocolate covered pecan nuts (love that shit <3)

Sick today, got my brother to take two of my stores and called work and ask them to find someone else to take the third.
Working tomorrow though, which will suck cause I won't get any candy to the next store until 1 PM and Usually I'm done with the first store at around 11 so... Free time yay... Blech!
Also, my one nail that is broken but still suited on my finger is getting looser and I just want to rip it the fuck off. But I know it will hurt like hell and just bleed all over the place. Can't. stop. fiddling.

Anywhore, I'm wearing a matching set of panties and bra. I'm awesome. Goodnight

Worst. Day. Ever.
Starts with that I wake up at 4 AM because I can't breathe properly. My throat hurts like a motherfucker and I can't stop coughing.
Fucking rain.
Anyways, I fall asleep again an go up at 6 to go to work feeling like shit and haven gotten on my period. When I get home about 5 hours later I make it cozy and shit: Tea, c-vitamin drink, whiskey (on the rocks bitch) and ice cream.
And then I watch 'Up' and cry like a little baby, making me feel a little better. Then True Blood baby <3
when mom comes home I start feeling ill, like I'm going to throw up. I'm having such horrid menstrual cramps it feels like I am going to die!!
Shoot me nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow will not be any better. Worse even I guess. Also, I've broken two nails. One of them is broken so long back it's still on my finger. It hurts like hell and bleeds sometimes.

So I'm kind of having a nervous breakdown because of work. Working 7 days a week is actually killing me. I'm sick right now because I walked in the rain to work this morning. My throat hurts like hell.
So right now I think I'm going to watch 'Up', drink tea, some water, whiskey and just bawl my eyes out (I always cry 10 minuets in when watching 'Up').
Or maybe just Casanova cause it starts on TV in like an hour.

So apparently it wasn't J.J who called me yesterday haha, it was E.E (yes, those are actually their initials...) who actually called me, which makes more sense because I know I've given him my number. But still... It doesn't really make sense why he would portray himself as his friend. He did a really good job though.
Yeah okay, I'm just really confused right now haha

So... Going out tonight!

First things first. I had to talk to the Youth leader because I had a theory about him being gay. Because honestly, instead of getting mad at a girl for drinking his beer he could've demanded a lap dance or even get laid!
I pointed out to him that he was gay and he said: so I had an sex-card to take out? Say a time and place.
I laughed. Really hard. He was the one who first said: You lost your chance with me and now this?
Fucking retard. So I told him it was too late. His comeback? : I wouldn't have sex with you anyways.
Yeah right.
Anyways, so I said I was going to bed (which I'm about to) he asked if he wanted him to say hi to Kris from me.
My answer: he obviously isn't interested so ;) I'll find my luck someplace else.
Then I logged out and wrote this haha.

Anyways, what I also wanted to write was this:
At 03.24 this morning I got a call. From an old school mate. It went a little like this:
Me: Hello? helloo? (I was sleeping jesus, had work in the morning)
Him: Hey! It's J.J!
M: J.J who?
J: (he obviously said his last name)
M: oh... okay...
J: so, what are you doing?
M: uh, sleeping
J: nice, so what are you wearing?
M: .... nothing... (it's hella hot in my room, okay!)
J: Oh Nice! Just like me then! Just that I have things on...
M:...
J: So me and Dan wants to have a threesome with you!
M: (wtf!) uhhhh.... yeah, I don't think so...
J: But just you and me then? I need some practice before I go to Cyprus!
M: lol What? No.
J: Why not?
M: because I don't believe you
J: But we could just kiss!
M: uuhhhhhh..... I'm too tired for this
J: But whyyyy *Whines and fake cries* Don't you like me?
M: Yes of course I like you, I just don't believe you and I'm tired!
J: *fake crying*
M: (I give in after a while, I was tired jesus, had to be up in 2 hours!) Okay okay, fine! I'll do it, just let me go to sleep!
J: Really? Okay!! So you have my number now
M: no I don't, private number..?
J: Well I have yours, hehe, (creepy, cause I have no idea how he got mine..) and write on my facebook wall! Write: How drunk were you last night!?
M: yeah okay fine, I'll do that (I don't have him on facebook)
J: Okay, goodnight, kisses baby!
M: Bye!

It was the most weirdest thing I've ever been through. This was just ridiculous! He was obviously joking (or just very drunk) and so I wasn't in any way serious.

Oh well, my life is funny as shit. Time for bed bichas!

Fuck me I'm tired. Working for four days straight is already killing me, and I haven't even gotten to the rough days yet!
But yesterday was kind of cool. The guy who opened for me in the morning so I could work noticed my Monster Beats and we got talking about them. I got so happy that someone actually wanted to engage in a convo with me that it made my day. Pathetic. But I enjoy the little things in life ;) haha
Anyways, today SUCKED ASS! I think karma is trying to say: Bitch, this is what you get from screwing your ''dates'' friend!.. Bitch!
I slept in, packed up what I had for Premiyum (the expensive candy), I go on to Parrots (nuts and shit) where there is a shit load on the pallet and half the stuff falls off, when I go to reach some new gloves the heavy metal thing I'm standing on falls on my right ankle (which now is double its size), a box cuts me like a motherfucker on my left arm, I get NEW candy for Premiyum and before I laid out doublets from 4 kinds of candies which I then had to change all back and fill up with the new stuff and last but not least when I was making an order for parrots my little machine kept on failing on me so I had to start all over again which pissed me off so I threw the piece of shit in my pocket and typed everything I needed down on my phone which took a shit ass long time since I had to order for Parrots and Candy King for Thursday.
So yes, karma is a goddamn fucking bitch and the world hates me and apparently the guy who usually talks to me in that store was ignoring me. He never does that.

Anyways, the only good thing with this day was that I got my things from Party Rock Clothing!
Got my 'Shots' tee, party rock funnel, tattoos and frames! Loved it! Came in a huuuuge package with a looooot of paper wrappings haha! But that made my day a little better.
Now I'm off to sleep. I've also gotten headaches at random, which is weird...

My day started with work. And me being happy that he accepted my friend request.
Then when I got home his friend texted me with ''Fun girl you who chugs down my drink and then walks home with my friend''.
My face kind of dropped, so I talked to him for a bit. I got to explain how it happened and Kris was the one who'd told him, and our stories matched.
Which I then found funny so when he said that he was gonna go I said: Ah, one last thing! If my chances are blown with you now, do you think I have a shot at your friend?
haha, his answer: I don't know :S But go for it :D
I got a little chocked but happy, so I decided that once he logged onto facebook I'd give it a try.
So when he did I wrote to him.
The thing is.
He didn't write back.

I've pretty much been on a emotional roller coaster today. The day has been awesome, then crap, then awesome and then horrible. And now it's staying down there.
So no, I do not have a shot with the Aussie kid. We boned, he didn't care anymore and now I'm a little down.
But there is always more fish in the sea.

And for the record, it is very hard to say no to an 18 year old Aussie kid who looks like Heath Ledger. Just saying.

Oh how stupid am I?
I couldn't find him on facebook because he doesn't spell his name Chris, but Kris!
Goddamn fucking Aussies! But so now I'm kind of happy, because well, he's been in my head all day long and it's been fucking with my work tempo!
I just hope he accepts my friend request.
I really liked him.
I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this will turn into something good!
I'm off to sleep! Working tomorrow, and the day after that and for another 24 days in a row

So yesterday I kind of had a date that wasn't really a date but kind of was.
But my ''date'' got pissed at me for drinking his beer and gave me the silent treatment and so when I was feeling like shit his Australian friend Chris saw his chance and made his move. So I slept with his friend.
Yes, I am a total slut, but oh be Jesus was he adorable! 18 years old, Australian accent, perfectly trained body and greenish eyes. I loved it.
And bitch told me to bite him during the act so I bit. Hard. He will be bruised for another two days haha! His collarbone <3
Oh yes, so I've finished the 'youth church leader' chapter and gone onto the Aussie chapter.
He was hilarious! And quirky and oh so hot! And kinky haha I like!
But as we were leaving in the morning (we crashed at one of my colleagues apartment) we were both fiddling with our phones but none of us asked for the others number, which I now feel terrible about because I can't find him on facebook, and it would feel horrible to ask the ''date'' if I can have his number...
FML.
Ps. He had a big one.
Ds. I'm sore.

Oh shoe, I love you!
These are my new obsession. Even though they give me blisters above my heels they're just awesome!
Just have to keep on walking in them! It's a little hard since they're higher than I'm used to but I'll learn.
bought these instead of sandals (because I couldn't find any!) so I guess that means I'll just have to walk around in these (hehe) not that I mind! But me feet do...

Anyways, so gym today, 1,5 hours. Had raspberry/rhubarb pie when I got home (that, of course, I made, duh!), made with freshly plucked raspberries and rhubarbs! Best fucking pie I've ever made. Sad thing is though I can't really eat it. Trying to lose weight damnit! (I've seriously chosen the wrong profession hah)
And speaking of weight, I called my sister fat yesterday (well I also called my mom and dad fat at the same time). She stormed off, claimed her backpack and went to her apartment, all pissed off.
I don't understand why... Okay, I may have been a little harsh, but it's still true. She complains about that she's fat but doesn't do anything about it. I complain about me being fat but I'm doing something about it.
But apparently she's the only one allowed to be a bitch.

Fuck it, whatever! Have to go change my euros back to sek tomorrow and maybe find some sandals (maybe I'll just use those heels for the rest of the summer... or maybe not... perhaps) and do other shit.
Who gives a fuck? I'm flaking :(

Home from wonderful Greece. Zakynthos is one beautiful island! And we stayed at one cosy apartment hotel on Laganas beach.
But I'm quite sad that I actually went with my sister and our friend. They're both 5 years older than me and consider themselves as old, so as we were staying at the beach of fucking party they didn't want to party. So there I was in a total Party rock mode getting dissed.
Luckily though 4 of my other friends were there as well so I went out with them once (I felt like I was pushing myself onto them, so I went only once) and FUCK mother fucker! I had the most awesomest of times! We danced on bars, got free shots and laughing gas! I've never had so much fun without getting laid.
So the other nights I spent with my travel partners. Sitting on the balcony playing cards and drinking wine. Every. Single. Night. I couldn't of been more bored! Sure it was fun, but seriously, WINE TASTES LIKE YOUR SOUR SOCKS!
I like booze, liquor or something that is at least a little sweet. Dry white wine sucks (not that red wine is any better).
But on Wednesday night (I think) I went out with our gay friend (my sis was keen on NOT going out at ALL) but as soon as I noticed that no guys approached me with him as my tail I decided pretty fast to lose him, so I went to dance in the 'Only girls' section. Which made me lose him in matter of minutes and ten minutes later I had a dude on my arm, Mikey from Chesterfield. Gorgeous smile, brown eyes and hair and perfectly tanned. He bought us both 5 shots and a drink each (for 20 euros, wtf! it was crazily cheap) which I downed so fast he was impressed. And to impress him further more I downed the drink in seconds too. That was when I knew I was getting laid. haha!
We also went to a strip club which had no strippers. I was disappointed.
And then I fucked him in the back of his rental car. White trash I know, but oh. my. god. his ... junk just Felt so perfect! And, well, before he uh.... okay, before he entered me he said ''Do you want me inside you?'' all huskily and shit and damn if I just didn't moan out a 'yes' like a whore. Seriously, he was a perfect size. I'm actually sad I didn't get his number, would not say no on fucking him twice.
But bitch ''couldn't find'' my panties afterward. And it was my panties which say 'Bite me' Loved those! And also the strap on my left high heel got lost too. Were my fave shoes. (bought a new fave pair today though haha)
Anyhow!
I've gotten really pissed off at my sister. She is a bitch. And when you're a bitch back she gets so fucking offended it's ridiculous. Which just pisses me off even more!
So I need a break from her, at least a month. The shitty part though - she comes here too often. I wish I had my own apartment. I sound horrible but I need to cool off, she's going on my nerves really bad!

enough of that. Worked out with bro yesterday. 2 hours. Couldn't walk properly today. Felt. Awesome. Working out tomorrow too. Work first, then gym. Getting fit as shit!